When I retire, I want to be an Environmental Health hazard. That’s a SMART target.

A few years ago, my husband and I were at a party, when a well-dressed business like woman started to talk to us. The conversation came round to ambition.
‘So what is it that you want to achieve over the next few years?’ she asked. I shrugged. She looked horrified. ‘Don’t you have a plan? Targets?’ she screeched.
‘No, not really. I kind of drift along. If something looks interesting then I do it, when I get bored, I move on. So long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, well.’ She tutted in disgust. I must confess I began to get irritated, and I could feel the bloody-minded side of me kick in.
‘Actually, I do have a goal. I think it is what you would call a SMART target. It’s a plan for when I retire. To be honest it keeps me going.’ Her relief was visible. ‘I’m going to buy a small house opposite a school. Outside the front door I am going to have a rocking chair and a spittoon in the corner.


I am going to sit in the chair and rock all day, chewing tobacco. I’ll probably stink of cat’s wee, because I am going to have at least twenty cats; all feral. I am going to hurl abuse at kids as they pass me on the way to school and pop the footballs, that come on to my property, with a large knife. I’ll be a pale shade of yellow, due to my severe alcoholism.


I will be on t.v. One of those ‘Grime fighting. How can someone live like this? documentaries.’ By now her chin had hit the floor. ‘What’s the problem. Is it not SMART enough for you?’


~ by envisioningutopia on February 27, 2012.

One Response to “When I retire, I want to be an Environmental Health hazard. That’s a SMART target.”

  1. I can already picture you there, haha.

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