I won’t bother giving birth. We’re fine as we are.

I decided to catch up with a t.v. series called ‘Call the midwife.’ A few minutes in, the trauma of being pregnant returned to me. It is 9 years since my second son was born and during labour, I wrote myself a note to remind me to never do it again. The problem is that when I was pregnant for the first time, I made the big mistake of joining antenatal classes.
The idea was to inform the parents-to-be of what to expect. However, the group I was with could only focus on the negative side of child birth. Everyone seemed to know someone who had had a still born child, or where the mum had died, or where the child had been born with ten arms. I went from looking forward to having a baby, to dreading it. The worst part was the video they showed us. It showed the mother getting into difficulties and being rushed off for a Caesarean section! Then there was the tour of the maternity suite, or rather torture chamber. Why? Why show people the instruments that you might need to use? I was green by the end of it.

The Schreyer Family Vacation Diaries
So that very night I formulated a cunning plan. It was so simplistic that I had to congratulate myself on it. The next day, I had an appointment with the midwife. Whilst she was measuring and prodding she asked me about my birth plan.
‘Oh everything’s fine. I’ve decided I’m not going to have it.’
‘It’s a bit late for that.’
‘No, I’ll just cross my legs. He’s fine in there. I fine with him being in there. I can get used to being so fat that I never see my feet again.’ By now the midwife looked slightly pale. I think she believed that I was slightly mad. I assured her, of course, that I wasn’t. The due date came and went, and my baby-to-be kept his end of the bargain. Ten days later and there was still no sign of him joining the rest of the world. I continued to eat like a horse and there was no pain, no torture chamber, no complications. It was the perfect symbiotic relationship. Then the bloody NHS had to get involved. INDUCTION! Yes they were going to break our perfect plan and force him out.


~ by envisioningutopia on March 2, 2012.

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