Life Changes

The last couple of weeks have knocked me for six and, for the first time in a couple of years I feel like there is a barrier up between me and the rest of the world. I am merely an observer.
Why?
It seemes to have several causes.
Firstly, suddenly my oldest son seems so much more independent. It is like he has grown up overnight. I turned my back for a second and whoosh, he is a different boy. He had his inset day at secondary school this week and walked home with his mates!
Secondly, I seem to be relating far more to people who are older than me. Overnight, I seem to have acquired a different viewpoint from people I used to agree with. Some of them seem very intolerant, almost angry. I suddenly feel calm and logical about loads of things that used to wind me up.
Thirdly, I don’t feel I fit. In situations where I used to feel confident I no longer feel comfortable. A few weeks ago we had a dance off at college. Usually I would have joined in, and surpirsed myself by saying no. I think my colleagues were surprised too. I decided to get out there again and went to a photo shoot event with a friend today. Everyone was getting dressed up in evening wear and bridal gowns and they all looked fantastic. I put mine on I caught sight of myself in a mirror and the alarm bells rang. Who the hell was I kidding? I’m forty, with glasses, what on earth made me believe I could do this? So I made my excuses and left.
I’m not a believer in mid life crises, but it does feel like I’m not me anymore and my identity has shifted and my brain hasn’t caught up yet. Let’s hope it catches up soon.

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~ by envisioningutopia on July 5, 2012.

2 Responses to “Life Changes”

  1. Worried by a sense of proportion, decorum, prudence, sound judgement of people and events and a sudden appreciation that more has gone by than there is to come? Fret not. This lucid moment is called maturity – and its just the thing you need in order to rule the world the way you always wanted to. Try it, and watch colleagues who wouldn’t give you the time of day defer and nod their heads in sage deliberation. You have the power! Only now you don’t want to use it. At least not for yourself. Curses!

    Catch 22 all over again.

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